Thursday, 8 May 2014

The Return of the Front Bottom

I’m sitting on my bed, working.  Actually, I’m trying to work – the caterwauling from some other room is seeping under  my (locked) bedroom door.  Our helper is scolding the Girl, something to do with “making it all [something].”  The Girl responds by yelling “NO!” repeatedly.

Eventually I can take it no more.  I go to investigate.  The Girl is leaping, naked and furious, on her bed. 

“Ma’am,” says our helper, frustrated.  “I’ve tried telling her, but she won’t listen to me.  She keeps scratching her pussy and she’s making it all red.”

At least I assume that’s how the sentence ended.  I stopped listening – stopped breathing, in fact - after "pussy".  I look at the Girl.  I look down towards her...  Eugeline. It is indeed all red.  I put some pants on her, and she recommences her bed-leaping. 

I bring our helper outside for a Lost In Translation chat.   On balance, I decide not to confuse the issue with made-up words, and so we settle on Front Bottom. 

So long, Eugeline. 


  1. Oh dear. Why the 'cover up' language? Front bottom indeed..
    My children would die laughing. Then again, they are the ones educating their peers on the correct names of their anatomical parts which leads to some interesting conversations with other parents...
    But still. It ís2014. Please teach your child about her body so she can be in control later in life?

    1. I couldn't agree more. However it's a tricky one because there's no one catch-all phrase to catch the whole external female genital area. I'm quite comfortable using the anatomically correct terms as the situation demands, but technically speaking it wasn't her vagina or vulva which was red, it was the whole pubic area (she must have been scratching like a wild cat). Front Bottom covers it in general, just as bottom covers the entire behind region, no? Irrespective of the term, however, I just can't have my three year old using the term 'pussy'.
      (*or is there? Groin? Pubic area? Moo-moo (that ones for you, Deb))

    2. I'd go with groin. Then it doesn't have to be gender specific. If someone said Front Bottom to me I'd spend so much time contemplating what on earth it meant I'd be pretty embarrassed once it dawned on me that I'd been mulling someone's groin for several full minutes

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  3. In our family, we call the whole front bottom area Happy Fanny, after my husband once shouted in the middle of a dinner-time row (involving uneaten mince) that all he wants after a hard day's graft is a Happy Fanny. We all collapsed in giggles and it's stuck - the daughters and I all possess Happy Fannies, and the daughters in particular like to call it such in public. As in, 'Mummy, I must go to the loo for the third time in five minutes (because the hand dryer is interesting), or my Happy Fanny will explode.'
    My daughters are ten and eight. They too would be horrified by 'pussy', 'vagina' and (ick) 'vulva'. Before we had Happy Fannies, we had Privates, and my husband made lots of Privet and trimming jokes.

  4. What happened to fionnula?

  5. The first comment above is a load of testicles.

  6. I prefer to call it the Alex :0)

  7. I always go with Privates because it covers the whole "cover your privates!' "no one is allowed to touch your privates!' Basically anything 'private' is....private.

    I don't need anyone's kids educating my kids on names of things. Quite frankly, privates is better and 'less silly' than most things - like 'pussy' - which adults use all of the time. I also don't want my kids being friends with kids that call the funnybone the ulnar nerve.

    Please teach your child however you want. I trust your judgement. Because bourbon.

  8. Oh man I just LOVE Happy Fanny, although Eugeline comes a very close second. It sounds like the seventh Brangelina baby. Inspired!

  9. So I asked the kids what they thought about using Happy Fanny. The Boy asked "what about when it's not happy?" Indeed.