Mac 'n' Tears

I didn't so much hit a wall last week, as run at it naked, blindfolded, and at full speed. 

Wednesday in particular was just hideous.  People - mothers, mainly - use a whole range of words and phrases to describe dealing with two young children:  "very hard", "challenging", "exhausting" etc.  There's no doubt it's all of those things (although "challenging" makes it sound like there's some virtue or silver lining attached, which I dispute), but noone has ever told me that sometimes - often - it's just horrible. Horrible and awful and soul-destroying. 

The Boy was a beast from the minute he woke up until well after he was put to bed (eventually I turned off the monitor because I just couldn't put up with having his whinging and moaning reverberate around the house).  He fought with and bullied his friend who came over in the morning, lashing out every time she so much as looked at one of his toys.  Then he screamed all the way to toddler group, seemed to settle, then just as I was feeding the Girl - right in the middle of nice quiet story-time -  he started to push and bite and scream.  There was nothing for it but to gather both of them up - no mean feat when I was still mid-feed with her, and in the back of a room of 30 toddlers and their carers - and leave, whereupon he screamed all the way home.  Once home he flung his lunch around and wailed when I wouldn't let him put his trucks in his food.  The Girl meanwhile had her routine off-kelter because she'd been up wailing since 445am, and any hope I had of getting some down-time over lunch was scuppered by her, and the joy she obviously gets from hearing me pound up and down the stairs all bloody day long.

Typically, it started to piss down just after lunch, and after half an hour of sitting indoors, Boy started to behave like a (vicious) caged animal.  I decided - stupidly - to take them both to the library, where at least my wildcat could destroy someone else's surroundings (and afternoon).  Imagine my delight when, as soon as we got there and had shed all our wet coats and pram covers, the screaming and flaying started again and I had to bundle them up and leave more or less immediately;  natch the Girl, who had just fallen asleep, woke up and added to the chaos with her own lovely piercing shrieks.  And so home we went, in the rain, me racing after the Boy, who had escaped from the pram and was careering off down the street.   Once home, informed that he wasn't watching a dvd before dinner, he lay down in the hall and screamed for THIRTY-FIVE minutes.  I sat in the kitchen, trying to ignore him - quite an acomplishment when you have no kitchen door, and your baby is crying on your lap because the noise coming from the hall is so shocking.  It sounded like he was having his head cut off.    With no let-up was in sight, and after several tentative "Are you ready to come in yet?" overtures (each of which was met with a snuffly "Gruffalo?", a stern no, and recommencement of the wailing) I made a peace-offering - pasta for dinner? - which calmed him immediately. 

God bless pasta.  In fact so indebted did I feel to it (notwithstanding that the calm period lasted only as long as the pasta did and continued until he got his blasted Gruffalo DVD - bad, useless, weak mother that I am) that I then made a vat of Mac, Cauliflower and cheese for my own dinner, which helped somewhat to soothe my bruised and battered soul. 

   

Here it is.  Best drunk with a pint of wine, which you can toast to (a) having survived another day and (b) no more children.  Ever.  Or, much more fittingly, to my parents who arrived the day after the Day of Hell, to relieve us of our ghastly parental responsiblities for FOUR DAYS.  Thank you parents for helping to dismantle that wall.  This mac'n'cheese is for you.

Mac, Cauli & Cheese.

You need:

• Half a cauliflower (or a whole one, if you’re partial to it, or none at all if you hate the stuff – in which case use about half as much pasta again)
• A large handful of pasta-tubes (macaroni is best, but any will do).
• About a half litre of milk per person (I use skimmed, in the hope that it’ll offset the ridiculous amounts of cheese I use).  If you have a microwave, heat the milk before using.
• Butter
• Flour (regular or self-raising, it doesn’t matter)
• Lots and lots of any cheese.  Cheddar works best, but equally fine are those half corners of unidentifiable stuff which have been sitting in your fridge door for, ahem, “a while”.

You don’t need to bake this recipe – it’s fine eaten straight from the pan;  but if you have the time and inclination, it’s delish if it’s stuck in the oven for 15 mins or so before eating.  It also enables you to get fancy with the presentation – if for instance you’re trying to butter up your beloved for a favour (a Saturday morning to yourself, or similar), in which case preheat the oven to 160, light those candles and drink the wine out of proper wine glasses, not straight from the bottle.

First, steam or boil the cauliflower until it’s edible, but still has a bit of crunch.  At the same time, cook the pasta according to the packet instructions, but for 2 mins less than instructed.

Drain both cauliflower and pasta in a colander, and leave there while you make the cheesey bit.

For each person you’re cooking for, add a tablespoon of butter to a saucepan, and melt. 

As it starts to bubble, add equal tablespoons of flour to the butter, and stir well with a wooden spoon.  It should be a dry clumpy mixture which has soaked up all the butter (otherwise add a bit more flour until this happens).  Stir it about for a bit, until it goes light brown.

Now add the milk, a bit at a time (I find that heating it in the microwave beforehand reduces lumps) and stir stir stir. The first few dollops of milk will sizzle and evaporate, but gradually the flour mixture will get smoother and smoother.  Keep stirring as you add more milk.  Don’t put in the milk too quickly or all at once or you’ll be stirring to get rid of the lumps till your arm falls off.  Bring the mixture to the boil, then reduce the heat.  You’re aiming for a consistency of about double-cream.

As it simmers, get busy with the cheese and a grater.  Grate as much cheese as you have / want straight into the bubbling sauce, stirring occasionally, tasting alot.  When it tastes the way you like it, turn off the heat, tip in the pasta and cauliflower, and mix well,  Season with salt n peppa if you want.  Add more cheese, just cos.

Then either tip into serving bowls, or put into an oven-proof dish, add more cheese to the top, and stick in the oven for about 15/20 mins – until the top is browned and the edges are bubbling.  (Or else you can make it ahead to this point, then warm it up in the oven – which will take about 25 mins).

Empty your mind of your children, and eat while reminding yourself that there’s nothing pasta – and cheese – can’t mend.