It’s been niggling in the back of my mind that I really should make more of an effort to use my (v expensive) gym membership. I think the last time I went was in March - which is just shocking. Especially as in two weeks time I will be prancing about in a bikini swimsuit (does Spanx do beachwear? ) in – get this – Eye-Beefa. Yes. I will be Largin’ It with all the youngsters on the party isle. I reckon that my current lifestyle of broken sleep during the night and frenetic racing around from 6am, coupled with a disgusting - and possibly detrimental-to-my-health - habit of subsisting til 4pm on crusts of toast which have fallen on the kitchen floor, then eating non-stop for three hours - is going to stand me in good partying stead. But said lifestyle is not carried out in a bikini. (Maybe if it was I’d be more inclined to sidestep the crusts and the binge-eating and have a bowl of porridge at 8am like normal people). But I digress. The fact remains that I’ve got just over two weeks to be Beach / Club Ready. It’s a deadline which I suspect I may miss.
The gym aversion is due not so much to the fact that I HATE THE GYM (which naturally, I do) or that it’s over-run with wankers (which, naturally, it is) but that I manage to convince myself on a daily basis that I don’t really need to go, as I get all the exercise I need running around after the kids. (I’m like a Hollywood actress in that respect - except that I actually do do all the running around, and yet still have what might charitably be described as “areas in need of toning”.)
It’s bloody unfair actually. There are days when it feels like I really do nothing but run around for hours on end. Especially now that the Girl has decided to start doing something other than sitting and grinning. I don’t mention The Girl that much - not because she’s not the loveliest little thing that ever tried to claw your face, but because at NEARLY A YEAR OLD (how??) she still doesn’t – didn’t - do an awful lot. We have videos of the Boy at this age crawling and standing and taking steps and getting into cupboards and falling off shelves, but the Girl... not so much.
So cue much excitement and applause when she learnt to sit from lying down! Except... The trick hasn’t yet extended to her lying back down again. And so her bedtime – never the most stress-free - now had an added aerobic element, as follows: The Boy is put in his room and told to find some hidden treasure / do 50 jumps on the bed / persuaded to make a den amongst all the under-bed-crap, while I race with the Girl into her room, feed her, bag-and-zip her, tuck her, kiss her, and lights out. Then back to the Boy’s room to ooh-and-ah over the hidden treasure (half a biscuit last night, the excitement) / pick him up off the floor / dislodge him from the bed-slats, before running back into the chuckling Girl and laying her back down again. Back to check on the Boy and the treasure / floor / bed-slats, into the bathroom, top up the bath with hot water, back to the Girl, who has wrapped her arms around the bars of the cot and seems to be unsure what to do next. More dislodging of children, back to the bath, turn on the cold tap, into the Boy, strip him down to his Big Boy Pants*, back to the Girl who has now done a complete body flip and is lying face down, head where her feet were, flaying like a beached whale, resettle, retuck, rekiss; into the bathroom, drain half the water and turn hot tap back on, into the Boy, hunt for the missing pants, warn him of the dangers of sticking his willy in the open window of a toy car, into the bathroom, water off, towels down to soak up the overspill, last dash into the Girl, dislodge her arms from the top of the cot, remove muslin which she has wrapped around her head, hear splashing from bathroom, shriek at the Boy, he shrieks back (“NAUGHTY SOAP! NO SWIMMING IN MY BUM, HAHAHAHA”), tuck blanket over the Girl so tightly she gasps, leg it back to the carnage in the bathroom (Boy staggering about and banging into the walls, wet towels draped over his head, every bar of soap in the house in the bath) and dump him in the water before collapsing on the toilet seat with my head in my hands.
Maybe if I did all of the above while engaging my “core” I wouldn’t have to seriously contemplate actually going to the gym this evening. I’m sure I’ll find some good reason not to go (terrible cobwebs over the front door, need cleaning; ooh, must read about that footballer, etc) but either way, any lack of body-toning virtue will be made up for at dinner time, with my current fried rice obsession.
It doesn’t sound terribly virtuous, but since I realised that I could engineer a brown-rice-and-multi-vegetable dish that the Boy would eat without noticing complaining, I’ve come over all Gwynneth Paltrow and have been extolling its wholesome wonders to anyone who’ll listen. IT TASTES GREAT. I promise. Eat it. Gobble it up. And don’t worry about the swimsuit season. (I mean seriously – if you’re hanging out on a beach in Ibiza, you’re hardly going to be looking at craggy old me, are you? Thought not. Phew.)
Fried Rice
There are two categories of ingredients here – the first are “Essential”, the second “Optional”. I generally use all of the “Optionals” – use as much as you have to hand. The whole idea about fried rice is to use up whatever's in the fridge / cupboard. The quantities here are vague approximates – obviously do more or less of anything you want. I always make way too much on purpose, because it lasts for a couple of days in the fridge, and means I don’t have to worry about lunch (or dinner) for Super-Potty-Boy.
For three large portions, you need:
Essential:
· 2 – 3 cups of cooked rice**
· Some oil for frying (sesame is preferable if you have it, don’t worry if not)
· Soy sauce
· Whatever vegetables – cooked or raw – you have to hand. (Not potatoes, parsnips, or squashes; but pretty much anything else). I always use (raw) carrots, sweet potatoes and courgettes - which I grate directly into the frying pan - and a tin of corn.
Optional (but will make the finished dish sing a song of loveliness):
· Spring onions – about one per person, chopped.
· Clove of Garlic, sliced
· Fresh ginger – a couple of slices about as big and thick as a pound coin, chopped.
· Fresh Coriander – as much as you like to use.
· Juice of a lime
To make:
(Let’s assume you have all of the above ingredients – skip anything which doesn’t apply to you)
Heat the oil in a wok / large frying pan. Add sliced garlic, chopped garlic, chopped spring onions, and leave until sizzling.
Add any raw vegetables (preferably grated) and stir. If it starts to get dry / stick, pour in a small bit of water – about a ladle-full – and turn the heat up high.
Once the water has been absorbed, add the cooked rice and stir like a mofo.
Add a good few splashes of soy sauce – taste to suit yourself, as some soy sauces can be v salty – then add the chopped coriander.
If you’re using cooked vegetables (eg, tin of corn), add them now.
Once everything is combined and all heated through, add the lime juice. Keep tasting, and if you think it’s lacking oomph, add more lime and soy sauce, and some more fresh ginger.
Et voila! For a main course I add cooked fish or prawns at the end; chicken would work too, or strips of beef. (If you want to incorporate raw fish / poultry / meat, add it before the rice, and give a few minutes to cook through).
Serve while engaging your core muscles (not those ones, silly, the ones in your abdomen...) and humming a Coldplay tune.
*We are making headway. Without wishing to jinx things, it looks like he might even be toilet trained in time for nursery. In September.
**A note on the rice. Brown is obviously healthier, but I think white absorbs the flavours better. Rice is SO EASY to cook. For white –fill a mug with uncooked rice, put in a pot with two mugs of cold water, bring to the boil, lower heat and cover, for 15 minutes. Then test – if it tastes almost done, cover, turn the heat off and leave it until you need to use it. Same principal for brown rice except use three cups of water to one cup of rice, and leave to cook for at least 30 minutes before checking. It might take up to 40 mins to cook.
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