Bitching and Moaning

I happened upon a blog the other day called Reasons My Son is Crying (or maybe Why Is My Son Crying?  Definitely something about a son crying) each post of which comprised a photo of a crying toddler and a caption (“I won’t let him eat my credit card”;  “He put his shoe on the wrong foot” etc).  I thought – I could do that.  Mine would be called:  “Why is my Son Bitching and Moaning?”.  The problem however is that there isn’t enough space on the entire internet to accommodate all of the reasons my son bitches and moans.  He bitches and moans about anything and everything.

Random examples of things which pissed him off yesterday are:

• His cereal being soggy
• His cereal being too milky
• His cereal spilling on the table
• His shoes being “ridiculous”
• His shorts being too long
• His shirt being “stupid”
• His head being itchy
• His feet being itchy
• Me telling him not to touch the cactus
• The place where the cactus thorns stung him being itchy
• The Girl looking at him funny
• The Girl laughing
• The Girl running too fast
• The Girl singing
• The Girl not singing
• His pyjamas being too tight
• The toothpaste being “spicy”
• The bed being too soft
• The floor being too hard
• The bones of my hand cracking his head open

(Only one of the above isn’t true.)

So you can imagine my delight in breaking the news to him this morning that tonight we leave hot, clothes-optional, swim-after-breakfast, ice-lolly-after-lunch, sand-removing-shower-before-bed Florida. On the plus side, with any luck I won’t be able to hear his bitching and moaning over the sound of the driving English rain.