This Little Piggy went on holidays

Once upon a time in a far-off land, not very long ago, there holidayed three little piggies: Boy Pig, Girl Pig, and Baby Pig.  Boy Pig was big and handsome, but also a bit energetic and, um, “spirited”. Girl Pig looked as if the several pounds of butter she scoffed every day wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but in fact had a mean streak.  She also liked putting her hand in her bottom.  Baby Pig looked very much like a pig, but with twinkley eyes and a big fat gummy smile. When she wasn’t smiling she was roaring for food. 

One day Mummy Pig announced that it was time for all the pigs to pack their bags and go home, whereupon the pigs snorted and wailed and stamped their hooves.  When it came time to leave, Mummy Pig realised she would have to choose which small piggy sat with which big piggy.  

Mummy Pig hesitated.  She had seen films about choosing one offspring over another and knew that the wrong choice could result in terrible fallout.  She looked into Boy Pig’s defiant eyes.  She knew that choosing him as her travelling companion would mean many hours of menial servitude: fetching, fixing, rearranging, unwrapping, feeding, and settling.  She also knew that not choosing him would result in many hours of sulks, rolled eyes and whinging.

Then Mummy Pig looked into Girl Pig’s eyes.  There, along with sweetness and humour, she saw the evil sparks of mischief and manipulation.  She foresaw an hour or so of fun and giggles, followed by a long night of wriggling, fidgeting, whining and being kicked in the stomach. 

Finally, Mummy Pig peeled back the rolls of face-fat and looked into Baby Pig’s eyes,  Hunger and greed aside, all she saw was love, adoration and exhaustion. 

Mummy Pig decided to risk the inevitable emotional carnage that her choice would bring.  She told all of the little piggies that she loved them equally, but that some love was more equal than others, and in this instance, that love was for Baby Pig.  Blocking her ears and her heart to the squeals of disbelief and protest, she skipped off to the magazine shop and tempted fate by buying not one, but two pieces of utterly crap magazines.  Then she bought an eye mask and some ear plugs.  She hesitated beside the stall selling those stupid neck pillow things, but decided that that was step too far, even for her. Then she swooped up her charge and skipped onto the plane, as fast as her piggy legs could follow her.

Ten hours later those same piggy legs, now stiff and sore from the weight of Baby Pig, and likely riddled with clots, limped out of the plane into the howling wind and rain of west London. In her piggy paws she held a frenzied Baby Pig, wide-eyed and manic with exhaustion, having refused to sleep AT ALL for the entire duration of the flight, and likely nursing a sore, screech-raw throat.  

Beside her stumbled the Boy Pig and the Girl Pig, both rubbing the sleep from their tired piggy eyes, having behaved more or less impeccably throughout the night (except for the part when the Boy Pig got pissy when he was woken up and started to shout loudly at Mummy Pig, telling her that it was HER FAULT for bringing them all on holidays, and furthermore, “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET TO MAKE THE DECISIONS, HUH?”). 

After many hours waiting for their bags, all the piggies got into the piggy car, and gave great squeals and snorts of joy when the car battery was dead and no amount of piggy swearing would get it to work.

Finally they got home, and the little pigs took turns in staying awake so that they could each drain Mummy Pig of every last vestige of youth and energy she possessed, and they all lived happily ever after. Except for Mummy Pig who swore she was never leaving the house again. 

The End.