The Early Bird

I managed to score 10/10 for Parenting Uselessness by 7am today – which I think is something of a record, even for me.  Having posted last night, I sorted the hamster, checked the kids, turned off the lights, got water, cleaned self, got into bed, missed my best friend, had a tiny weep, and lay awake until about midnight.

At no point in that 45 minute interval did I remember to move the Goddamn Elf on the Shelf.  Which, considering the first line in yesterday’s post, was a pretty impressive omission. I remembered however as soon as I opened my eyes – just before 7.  At which point I leapt out of bed, glanced into the kids’ rooms – still dark, still quiet – and grabbed the Elf from his hallway shelf. 

When I turned around the Boy, on his way back from the bathroom,  was standing in front of me.

“Jack was still on the shelf... Why is he in your hand?  Why are your holding him??  YOU’LL KILL HIS MAGIC!!!”

Despite the early hour, my brain clicked seamlessly into deception mode (It’s a skill you acquire along with toddlers).

“I think he didn’t move because he wanted to show you he was unhappy with you.”

“What?”

“Remember how you guys were fighting so badly last night?  How you were  kicking and punching?”

“Um....”

“Well you did that right in front of Jack. He must have been very shocked.  I’ve heard that sometimes the elves get so shocked by children fighting that they don’t move.  Sometimes they never move again.”

"So why were you moving him?"

[Whirr Whirr] “Because I saw him still here and didn’t want you guys to be upset so I thought I’d move him.”

“But...”

“I can move him if it’s an emergency and it doesn’t kill his magic.”

“Oh.”

“So you guys really need to try to be kind to each other.  It would be TERRIBLE if he only moved to tell Santa to bring you coal.”

“She started it!!”

40 minutes later the Boy was dragged out the door to the car, with no shoes or socks, because instead of getting ready for school, he was engrossed in tormenting both sisters.   I think I may have to accept that the great Elf Investment isn’t yielding great behavioural returns.  

So now a new conundrum: where am I going to find coal in Singapore?