Let sleeping birds and bees lie.

The kids went back to school today.  *DEEP THANKFUL SIGH*.  I am exhausted. The week passed in the usual blur of shame, poverty and frustration, with a few FaceBook photo opportunities thrown in for good measure, so that everyone – including me - can see what a fun, energetic, harmonious family we are.

I asked the kids last night what their highlights of the week were.  Once I got past the groans and the moans, and the Boy’s  assertions that there were NONE, this was what they came up with:

• Watching The Incredibles while eating a tube of Pringles
• That bit in Indiana Jones 2 when the man gets his heart ripped out
• Computer time (the Boy)
• Sleeping in Mummy’s bed (the Girl)
• Wearing pyjamas all day
• Eating all that sugar in the cafe (Oh, if the woman who screeched at the Boy is reading this – FUCK YOU)

So - not the beach, or the zoo, or the science zone, or the indoor play area, or the Botanic Gardens, or the water park, or Universal Studios, or any of the other money-burning and brain-bleeding activities we went to?

• Oh yeah, University Studios.

Speaking of which, the kids got more of an education than they – or I – were expecting yesterday.  Driving home from the water park the Boy started asking about my sister’s marital status.

Boy: So is Uncle B her husband?

Me: No, they’re not married.

Boy: Oh. (Pause) So how do they have a baby?  Did they just kiss without being married?  Are you allowed to kiss without being married?

Me: You don’t have to be married either to kiss or to have a baby.  (Inwardly: What are you talking about?)

Boy:  Seriously?  You can just kiss and have a baby any time you want?

Me:  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Boy: When you kiss, that’s how you get a baby.

Girl:  Yes.  You kiss and kiss and the seed goes into your tummy where the egg is waiting and then it hatches a baby.

Me:  No. That’s not how you get a baby.  (OHGODOHGODOHGOD) 

Boy: So how do you get a baby?  Not from the seed in your mouth?

Me:  The seed to make the baby is in your penis, you know that.  

Boy: And then you put the seed in your mouth and kiss the girl, right?

Girl:  Who lays a baby.

Me:  (JESUS CHRIST!)  No.

Boy:  Well WHAT THEN?

Me: The seed goes from your penis into the woman’s vagina.  (PLEASE LET THAT BE THE END OF IT.)

Boy: HOW?

Me:  The. Man. Puts. His. Penis. In. The. Woman’s. Vagina.

Boy:  

Girl:

Me: Ahem.

Boy:  (TOTALLY AGHAST) SERIOUSLY???

Me:  Seriously.

Boy:  But.... WHY?

Me:  To make a baby.

Boy: But... Why can’t you just take the seed out and put it in the vagina?  Why do you have to put your penis in there too?  (He is almost in tears at this point.)

Me:  Ask Dad.  He’ll tell you all about having a penis.

Boy: 

Me: (Sudden awful thought) Oh, and Freds?  No talking to other kids about this, ok? 

Boy: (Totally disgusted)  NO WAY!

Well.  I think that went well, don’t you?