A recipe-free recipe. (For Granola, of all things.)

When we moved – amidst all the various animal and children woe – I decided This Is My Chance To Get Organised.  I go through these phases quite a lot, and none of them gets to the root of the problem at all (which is that I am chronically disorganised, and always will be.)  However.  This was different: this involved food.   Amongst the 788 items of tat I brought home from Ikea in that first week were these lovelies: 

Cereal / biscuit / pasta jars!    And YES, I actually used them, and amazingly  it’s the one organisational step I have managed to keep up.  (Consequently, breakfast at our house every day resembles that at a shabby B&B, albeit with less damp, and more wildlife.)

But look a bit closer at that picture, and you’ll see that something is off;  one of these jars is not like the others… One is emptier - either more abandoned, or – as transpires is the case – more popular.

This is the HOMEMADE GRANOLA JAR. 

Yes! In between sitting around, and wondering  Is 37.5 Actually A Fever, Or Can She Go To School?,  and Is It Too Early To Have A Drink?, and Why Is The Cat Looking At Me Like That?, and What Is That Smell? –  in the midst of my frantic expat life I still manage to find time to squeeeeeeeeeeeeeze in a granola-making session.  And frankly, if I can do it, so can you.  Mainly because it is piss-easy, and quite shockingly delicious, and about ¼  the cost of buying it (or 1/10^th, if you live here), and is healthy compared to the commercially-made shite you buy, and can be as sugar-free or sugar-laiden as you wish (and similarly raisins-a-plenty, or none, depending on your own good self), and – and this is the biggie, because nothing puts a would-be-granola-maker off like the list of ingredients you need -  THERE IS NO RECIPE. 

It’s a little known fact that granola recipes are part of a larger conspiracy to (a) make people feel crap about themselves and (b) reinforce social subjugation.   So let’s break free of this tyranny!  FREE BREAKFAST TIME!  (And brunch time.  And lunch time.  And Kiddie snack time.  And – depending on how much dancing you did, your sore back numbed by gin, on a boat at the weekend and consequently how hungover you are – dinner time.)

I give you:  Recipe-free Granola.   You’re welcome.

Recipe-Free Granola. (Almost.)

Ok, there’s a caveat.  There are some crucial ingredients.  And you have to follow a couple of rules.  But!  We’re not living in a communist cereal-state here.  Oh no;  this is the most libertarian breakfast / brunch / lunch / snack / dinner you will ever make. 

You need rolled oats (ROLLED, not instant or powder, or just-add-water, ugh),  you need oil and you need some sort of sweetener. Oh, and you need to keep a bit of ratios in mind.   And cook them.  But that aside, you can go hog-wild. 

Here are the ratios I use, per cup. (Truly, use a regular cup.  I haven’t gone all American here. Just open a cupboard and take out any vessel at all, and use it for all the ingredients.  I used an English tea cup – because I’m sortof fancy.)  So, moving on –

• 2 cups rolled oats

• 1 cup Other Stuff (dry stuff that is - nuts, seeds, coconut flakes, whatever)

• ½ cup liquid

• No more than 1 cup dried fruit. 

The oats:  Like I said, these have to be rolled, and can’t be instant.  Just trust me on this. But that aside, use any type you want – jumbo, or organic, or premium, or basic.  Anything.

Other Stuff:  I like a mixture of seeds (sunflower, as you’re asking, and sometimes sesame if I have them) and nuts (usually  whole almonds, skin on, which I roughly chop, hazelnuts, again chopped, and walnuts).  But actually, I just use whatever is in my cupboard.  I try to remember to pick up a variety of seeds and nuts and stuff when I’m shopping, but as we’ve already discussed, I’m not that organised.  Desiccated coconut is a nice addition, but I forgot to buy some, so instead – just for a flavour kick –  today I added a teaspoon of dried ginger, which was delicious.  Last week I added a handful of pinenuts, which was... unremarkable (and not worth the cost of the pinenuts, to be honest).  Cinnamon is also good, or if you like nutmeg throw some in.  I find that if I’m using spices, not adding more than one teaspoon is key.   Oh, and add a pinch of salt too, if you remember.

Liquids: My half cup is made up of equal measures of oil and maple syrup, plus a teaspoon of vanilla essence.  For the oil, I use a mix of plain olive, and extra virgin, half and half.  You, obviously, can use any oil you want (although I’d caution against using only EVOO, it’s a bit overpowering). Then I add an equal amount of maple syrup (YES, YOU CAN USE HONEY.  OR GOLDEN SYRUP.  OR THE SWEET TEARS OF A UNICORN), the vanilla, and I stir a bit, and add to the dried ingredients. 

Dried Fruit:  This goes in at the end, once the granola is cooked. Opinion differs as to whether to add it when the granola is warm or cooled.  Warm will, apparently, plump up the fruit – although in my experience, this is total wankage.  Just do whatever suits you and stop worrying about it.  Today I just had prunes and raisins, which I added, but then the Girl reminded me that she hates raisins (she liked them last week, gah), so next time I’ll leave them out.  If I have some dried apricots or dates, I’ll chop them and add them too.  If I’ve totally run out of everything I just have fruit-free granola, which is also fabulous.  (The bonus of the fruit is it bulks the granola out, sweetens it, and keeps the kiddies regular.  Because, you know, eating the dirt from the ground doesn’t have enough of a laxative effect on them.)  Also, I keep it to 1 cup max, because I don’t like the fruit overpowering the other ingredients.  But if you’re a dried-fruit-enthusiast – or your children don’t eat the dirt from the ground (in which case congratulations on your good parenting) and need some regularity in both their life and their bowels, then go crazy.

And That. Is.  It. 

Here’s what you do:

Preheat your oven to 160c (Fan).  (I have no idea what that is in any other language, sorry.)

Add 2 cups of oats to a large bowl.  Add 1 cup of nuts / seeds etc.  Some brown sugar if you like it really sweet (I don’t bother – who needs more sweetness in their lives?  Apart from Donald Trump), extra coconut if you want a really good crunch. Stir.  Make up your 1/2 cup of liquids – oil and sweetener, vanilla essence (which I recommend, if you have it.  Unless it will kill you, in which case maybe pass on it) and dump it in (yes, any which way.  No well is needed;  no dribbling here, or adding a bit at a time.  JUST CHUCK IT IN.)  Then roll up your sleeves and dig in, mixing and stirring and scraping until everything is a little bit greasy. 

Tip it into a baking sheet / large cake tin, press down (crucial if you want lumps of crunchy granola, not so crucial otherwise), and stick in the hot oven.  Set your timer for 15 minutes.

This is the only thing I’m ordering you to do.  Why?  Because, this:

(The oven was too hot, and I wandered off and got distracted arguing with one of my children about something.  The strange smell of burning, possibly.)

Check how it’s looking after 15 mins.  (The speed at which it cooks seems to vary according to the ingredients.)  If you don’t want lumpy granola, give it a stir, otherwise turn the tray around and pop it back in for 10 more minutes.  (Set the timer again.  We’re all old and forgetful, that’s why.)   It should by now be toasted-brown looking, and no longer glistening at all. 

Leave to cool (or not!), tip back into the bowl you used for mixing, and add the dried fruit (or not!) Then either decant into a cereal holder, or your stomach, and pat yourself on the back for your baking fabulousness, while muttering Fuck You Commercial Cereal Manufacturers, and Vive La Granola Revolution, under your breath.