Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Travelling with Children, by Numbers

Kilometres from arse-end of Sweden to Stockholm airport:  255.
Kilometres travelled before car was stopped and first comedy-trying-to-smack-legs-in-the-back-of-the-car took place:  0.01
Kilometres for which smackee glowered at driver in the rear-view mirror: 254.99
Number of times asked if we’re there yet:  510
Number of Good Behaviour Lollies in driver’s bag at start of journey:  8
Number of Good Behaviour Lollies in driver’s bag at end of journey: 8
Distance travelled before baby vomited everywhere:  254.5
Number of towels, wipes, or other vomit-wiping items in the car: 0
Number of driver’s freshly laundered, super-absorbant scarves in the car / around driver’s neck: 1
Number of minutes between finding the airport car park and flight taking off:  40
Number of people in our party who understood the importance of HURRYING UP WE STILL HAVE TO CHECK IN:  1
Number of children it feels like you have when you’re trying to get 3 of them through security and onto a plane: 33
Minutes spent sweating and hyperventilating on the plane before it finally took off:  60
Number of times asked if we’ve taken off yet during that time:  120
Number of iPads brought to entertain children on flight:  1
Number of iPads dropped and smashed by one of said children on flight: 1
Actual duration of flight: 2.5 hours
Emotional duration of flight: 25 hours
Duration of flight for which Boy had his head in a sick bag and wailed about the UNFAIRNESS of travel sickness:  2 hours
Number of times Boy actually got sick on the flight:  0
Duration of flight for which Baby had her head in a sick bag and wailed about the UNFAIRNESS of travel sickness: 0 hours
Number of times Baby actually got sick on the flight: 1
Number of miles left to travel when Baby got sick: 0.01
Number of mother’s knees Baby was sitting on at the time of sickness: 2
Percentage of mother’s body covered in rancid, putrid, high-smelling toddler vomit:  85%
Number of fellow passenger startled by mother roaring “OH GOD” upon impact of vomit: 179
Time spent sitting in a pool of toddler vomit waiting for the fucking plane doors to open: 20 minutes
Time spent waiting for luggage, in vomit-sodden clothes: 25 minutes
Time spent waiting for car hire, in vomit-sodden clothes: 40 minutes
Number of fellow queuers who commented on awful smell:  5
Number of sworn promises made to self NEVER to travel with kids again: 1
Number of days until we have to do it ALL again, in reverse: 27


  1. Oh goodness! Laughed like dead reading you though I'm sure it wasn't much fun through!

  2. Can I suggest travel-drugs next time you travel? If not for the children, at least for you?

  3. good grief, truly traumatic. as a parent of two travel sick children I feel your pain, have you tried the wrist bands with acupressure beads in them. I had to sew them onto a long sleeved shirt when they were younger to keep them in place but I think they worked, and at least if they were sick it was on the "travel shirt" and not on their other clothes, but still often on me........

  4. I'm so sorry! However, your vivid style of re-telling was just...the best! I wish you better luck on the return :-)

  5. Oh sweetie.. how you torture yourself!

  6. Apparently if you cover one eye you won't get travel sick. Maybe dress as a family of pirates to blend in? X