Happy Chinese* New Driving Licence (*sort of)

Happy (Chinese) New Year!  It’s sort of great having another go at New Year resolutions – because I really didn’t do too well at the last ones.  Two weeks since my last post?  Ridiculous.   What could I have been doing with my time? 

Well, mostly I was driving hither and thither, as usual, and when not in the car I seem to have been queuing.  Also, shouting.  There has been a lot of queuing and subsequent shouting the past couple of weeks.   (Which reminds me - a warm thank you to the manager of Universal Studios for those complimentary fast passes.) Oh, and studying the Highway Code – I had my driving test on Monday.  (You can only drive on a foreign  licence for a year here, then you have to convert it to a local one.)  It’s simple enough – a multiple-choice exam on the rules of the road – but the logistics involved in getting it done would make you bleed from the eyes.  In fact the entire morning  - as outlined below - was one of deep, traumatising stress. (By way of background - the test was at 1030.  Registration was at 1015. I was aiming to get there before 930 to take the mock test beforehand.)

850 – Put test centre address into Google, and set off.

915 – Arrive at test centre address.  Slightly puzzled to find self at a factory.  Security guards puzzled too.  Also amused.  Get directions to the other road with basically the same name.

925 – Pull in to housing estate to ask for directions.

926 – Ask someone else.

927 – And again.

928 – Give up and revert to Google.  Goole basically says Why didn’t you TELL me it was THAT street, and we set off.

940 – Arrive at test centre, park in test centre car park.

942 – Ask Information Desk assistant [so many misnomers in that title] for assistance in topping up cash card (needed to pay for new licence.  Test centre rules – No cash.  No cheques. No credit cards.  No debit cards.  Only option for me was $50 on the car-parking card thingy you keep in your car. Top up is done at most petrol stations or small shops.)  Assistant unable or unwilling to assist whatsoever.  Is confused about mere existence not only of cashcards, but also petrol stations or other commercial outlets.  Also, looks bewildered to be approached by a stranger asking questions.  

942.30 – Start to mildly hyperventilate.

944 – Back into car and off to find a petrol station. Get caught in a one-way system just outside the test centre which brings me straight onto the highway. Curse loudly.

954 – FIND ONE!

955 – Back into car and to find a petrol station which does cashcard top up.

956 – SHOUT LOUDLY AT SELF AND AT TRAFFIC

1000 – FIND ONE!

1003 – Breathe deeply and head back to test centre.

1008 – Arrive at test centre. Car park full. Car park “assistant” tells me to park at “government car park”.  “Where is that?” “Out there,” he says, gesturing towards the road. 

1009 – I head “out there”, and find self back on the one-way road leading to the motorway.

1009.30 - SCREAM LOUDLY AT SELF AND SECURITY GUARD AND TRAFFIC

1010 - Perform illegal U-turn. Hope no-one looking out of Test Centre window.

1011 – Find street parking.  Parallel park like a mofo, then reach for street-parking coupons.  Remember that had made a mental note to self to buy more street-parking coupons,  and then ignored said mental note.  SCREAM AT SELF. Smile and wave at concerned passer-by.

1012 – Set off to find another car park.  Sob slightly.

1019 – Give up and just park on side of the street.  Do something very illegal, which may or may not involve reusing old car parking coupons  I find under my seat.

1021 – Jay walk.  Also illegal. 

1024 – Arrive, panting, sweating, and shaking, at test centre.

1026 – Try to explain predicament to stony-faced test centre “assistant” then start to get slightly hysterical.

1027 – Sit down. Breathe.  Curse. Breathe some more.

1030 – Start test.  This is easy! I am nailing it. 

1032 – Computer breaks down. Look around. Everyone else going hell for leather. Karma is not biting any other single person on the ass.   

1033 – Go looking for assistant.  Nowhere to be found.

1034 – Sit back down and stare at frozen screen.

1035 – Apologise, mentally, and belatedly, to all those people I have shouted at in past week.  Pray to the Gods of Driving Tests.

1036 – Assistant appears! Prayer is a wonderful thing.  Shouting is not.

1037 – Restart test, and skip through it, because I am a very excellent studier of road rules.

1045 – 98%!  I ROCK THIS SHIT.

1047 -  Take queue ticket  - C58 - for licence conversion and sit and wait.  Screen shows C41, A33, A34.

1130 -  C42 has disappeared from screen.  Now on A66, A67, A68. Try the prayer thing again.

12.10 –A93, A94, A95.   Put on mean mummy face and go find someone to shout at.

12.15 – Leave test centre with receipt for new driving licence.   

Moral of the story?  Shouting is better than prayer for getting shit done.