Braces & Lentils

It was the 31^st of March recently, which meant I had one day to get all my New Year’s resolutions done.  (I’ve decided that March is a far more sophisticated timeframe for personal growth than January.  January sucks, for many reasons;  let’s not add self-loathing and despair at one’s lack of discipline to the list.)  Top of the To Do list – or bottom, depending on whether you rate it according to its importance, or my totally unreasonable fear of addressing it  - was visiting an orthodontist.  Yes, braces!  Because nothing says “yoof” like a mouthful of metal.  (In truth, nothing says Middle Age like retreating teeth.)

Which is how I found myself today lying flat on my back with my mouth wedged open, and the following thoughts to entertain me:

• God I hope that TV is securely fastened to the ceiling.  It’s right above my head. What if it falls?  Will they replace my broken teeth for free?
• You know, for an orthodontist, he doesn’t have very nice teeth. 
• For an orthodontist’s assistant, nor does she.
• Are they actually orthodontists at all?
• What is that TV programme RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD about? 
• Jesus is that... yes!  It is!  It’s A COLONOSCOPY!  ON TV!
• I think I’ll just look at the assistant’s manky teeth for a bit.
• Why is there a vibrator in my mouth?
• Oh look!  They’ve made a computerised model of my teeth!   Where was the gooey putty stuff that used to make me gag?
• Christ.  I really need to get my teeth done.
• And that woman on the TV needs to eat more fibre.

Speaking of which,  I’ve become a bit obsessed recently with tinned puy (green) lentils.  The posh organic ones, which you lot can pick up for 97p in any corner shop, but for which I have to take out a mortgage and drive to the other side of Singapore.

I don’t have a photo – because I keep eating it before I remember to take a pic – but it’s my new easy lunch: drain, rinse, plonk in a bowl, add a handleful of anything green (parsley, chopped cucumber, whatever) and – this bit is fairly key – warm vinaigrette. Which sounds quite complex, but it just means taking a vinaigrette (put a couple of glugs of olive oil in a cup, one glug of vinegar, and a teaspoon of mustard, and stir) and popping it in the microwave for ten seconds.   Pour over your legumes, and gobble.  

(Warning – braces + lentils = unsightly. If you are a yoof, or are of a certain age and trying to sidestep the inevitable decline which marks that certain age, keep a toothpick handy at all times.)