Nuts.

I learnt today why it is that you’re not meant to wear Invisalign (clear retainer thingies) when eating.  It’s not, as I imagined, because of the discomfort, or the danger of catching food in there which will sit and stealthily rot your teeth - or at least not entirely.  No, I found out – having consumed two large bowls of sweet potato soup while fully Invisaligned – that in fact some foods discolour the retainer.  Foods such as sweet potato.  Which, it transpires, gives them a dull yellowish tinge. 

So as a result of my goody-two-shoes I’m-never-taking-this-off-ever behaviour, I now look like some grizzly old 120-a day Marlboro smoker.

Other foods which are BANNED are:  raw anything, crunchy anything and nuts.  This ties in almost entirely with the foods which I graze on for about 16 hours a day.  Chief annoyance is the loss of nuts, which are STRICTLY PROBIHITED, but which are also the perfect stand-and-stare-into-the-cupboard solution. Specifically, almonds.  I LOVE almonds.  So much so that I tend to buy a couple of kilo bags each week (then spend the week staring into the cupboard when I’m meant to be working).

Anyway, now I find self bereft of things to graze on (yoghurt just doesn’t do it for me.  Or sweet anything.  I need SALT and CRUNCH.) and in possession of a couple of kilos-worth of the evil almonds.  And on Saturday night we ran out of milk, and I was damned if I was going to get up early on Sunday morning to remedy this, so I made some instead.  Yes! From my own fair body!  (Uuuuugh.  No, not really (obv).)

Who knew that almond milk was made just from almonds and water?  And as long as you don’t suddenly think “Christ I’m drinking almond milk like some sort of fucking hippy” while you’re drinking it, you won’t gag.  In fact it’s quite pleasant.  The kids didn’t notice it in their cereal and the Man, who’s already a big fan, pronounced it DELICIOUS.  

I just stared at the mulch and wept tears of nut yearning.

Almond Milk

Makes:  as much as you want, really – depends on the proportions of almonds: water.  I used two large handfuls of nuts which made about 500ml.

You Need:  Almonds + water.   And a blender.

Take as many nuts as you have / want and soak overnight (or for at least 4 hours) in cold water  (ratio 3:1). Leave it out of the fridge  (unless you (a) live in the sweltering tropics and your kitchen as no air-con, or (b) live with two cats who are displaying a disgusting habit of dragging their arses over every surface in the house (or (c) both of the above.))   

Once soaked, drain, rinse and measure the almonds in a jug / glass. Then, very scientifically, put your finger where the nuts went to on the glass, and dump them into the blender – TAKING CARE NOT TO MOVE YOUR FINGER.  (Actually, it’s probably a bit easier if you just put them in a measuring jug and make a mental note of the measurement.)  Measure out an equal amount of fresh water, and pour two or three such amounts into the blender.  (How much depends on how (if at all) you like your almond milk.  Two is very creamy and almondy;  three is obviously less so.  I went for 2 ½, because I try to please everyone.)

Blend like a mad dog.  Blend it for so long that you expect to smell burning rubber from the machine.  It will look white and bitty. 

Now some people like it like this.  I, however, do not want bits in my drink.   So I rooted about in the Baby’s wardrobe and found a pile of old muslins, and duly drained the mulchy milk.  Which, let me tell you, was both an almighty pain in the arse, and an enormous mess.    In the end I got a large rubber band from the Boy’s scooter (a souvenir from days spend terrorising pedestrians on the streets of South London) and secured the cloth over a large, deep jug – leaving a good bit of “sag” in the cloth.  Into this I tipped the blended almond, and left it to do its thing for a few minutes. A few stirs and scrapes later – actually, I squeezed the bejaysus out of the cloth, feeling all Ma Ingels in the process – and I was done.  (We are listening to Little House in the Big Woods during the interminable school runs, and so I know a thing or two  about making your own milk.)

And there you have it.  Yes, it’s a small bit of an ordeal when you drain it (and of course you have to be organised and remember to soak the almonds beforehand), but it’s not altogether unpleasant. 

And best of all it won’t remove your train tracks or leave you looking like you've been chewing betel nuts.  (Which of course you can't do, even if you wanted to.)