PropertyImbecile.com

While the kids are playing their favourite pre-bedtime game (“Owen” – whereby the Boy is called Owen and bosses the other two around.  They appear to either be his wives or daughters – he’s asking them sternly if they are planning to have children, so I can’t work out which), I am messing about on Propertyguru.com – Singapore’s answer to Findaproperty or whatever property site you Westerners, with your lovely websites, and property agents who actually give a toss, use. The reason for this is that we are tentatively house-hunting;  our lease is up at the end of Feb, and we’re sort of sick of living in an apartment.

So, Propertyguru.  Log on if you want a laugh, or just a lesson in how NOT to design a property search website.   See if you can find any listing with less than 4 photos of the back wall or a stair-case or a shrub in the garden.  You’ll find houses there with one photo – possibly of a sink, possibly of the view over adjoining rooftops.  I am not kidding.   I saw a particularly brilliant one-photo listing today - a selfie of the estate agent against a backdrop of what looked like melting slush (and who, without being unduly unkind, really did not have the sort of face which could launch a thousand house-moves). 

Here are some of today’s gems:

“Spaz living home with classic feel”  (This goes on to describe the house  - in capitals - as  “HOME WITH A TOUCH OF CLASSIC HOMEY FEEL”)

“SWEET HSE WIF POOL!  SPACIOOUS LOVELY.  BRIGHT!”

“Dive into tranquil waters in a resort setting in a moment’s notice.  Free your mind and find respite as you lounge in a daybed on a carefree afternoon or curl up with a good book.  Hit the treadmill and set your hearts racing. With so many things to do at home there will never be a dull moment.”  (Almost every word there should have had [sic] after it.)

There is a house which proudly boasts a “chit chat room”, and describes what looks suspiciously like entrance hall – complete with hall door - as the “family gathering room.”

One got me a bit excited, because of its low rent and 40 photos, but 22 of these were of various trees in the garden, 7 were of the maid’s (windowless) room, and 4 of various air-conditioning units, so I desisted.

I also stumbled across one for a unit in our condo block, and I was pleased to see that they clearly lead lives as slovenly as my own.  (I could practically hear the estate agent muttering “I’ll take a photo of the bed, but if they think I’m making it, or picking any of the dirty clothes off the floor, they’re mistaken.  Now, what else?  Oh, the corner of that window frame is nice.”)

It is enough to make me reconsider moving out at all.  However - I really truly CAN NOT deal with the kitty litter malarky for much longer. Which means I must decide which I dislike more:  picking about in recycled paper nuggets looking for, and removing, cat-shit  - like some fetishist mini-treasure hunter -  for years to come;  or suffering endless house views, where eventually they all meld into one gigantic monstrosity of 1980s kitchens and brass chandaliers and random glass partitions  (and then, eventually, moving into one).  

It’s a tough call.